“Those who divorce aren’t necessarily the most unhappy, just those neatly able to believe their misery is caused by one other person,” the Swiss-born British author and philosopher Alain de Botton wisely observed. The hard data certainly supports his theory. According to a study published by Couple and Family Psychology, the most often cited reasons for divorce—the je ne sais quoi of calling it quits, if you will—were lack of commitment (75.0 percent), infidelity (59.6 percent), too much conflict and arguing (57.7 percent), marrying too young (45.1 percent), financial problems (36.7 percent), substance abuse (34.6 percent), and domestic violence (23.5 percent). And though the divorce rate has slowly declined in recent years, particularly for millennials, roughly half of marriages still end in splitsville. The number bumps up to 60 percent for second marriages and a cold-feet-inducing 73 percent for those braving a third walk down the aisle.
For insights into all of the above, we turned to experts typically on opposite ends of the divorce gauntlet: psychologist Judith Ruskay Rabinor, PhD, author of Befriending Your Ex After Divorce, and Robert Stephan Cohen, an in-demand NYC divorce attorney who has seen it all in his 60 years of practice and been crowned “the master of the split-up” by The New York Times. Let the games begin:
What in your experience are the most common reasons people get divorced?
Judith Rabinor: There are so many reasons. Money problems, poor communication, changing goals or priorities. Of course, infidelity often triggers divorce. It’s not just about being attracted to another person—because, let’s face it, everybody gets attracted to other people. But there’s a difference between being attracted to someone else and acting on that attraction.
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Kids can also put a strain on marriages. Couples may not have the same views on whether they want kids, how many they want, or how they should be raised. A couple could struggle with infertility or find they have little energy left over for their partner if they are busy caring for a child with special needs. In the past few decades, there’s also been an increase in “gray divorces.” A couple may have been together for many years, but then their kids go off to college and they realize they don’t have much in common anymore.
Robert Cohen: In my practice, I don’t really see kids being a driving force behind divorce. In fact, many of my clients stay together for the sake of the kids, especially if a child has special needs. For me, there are two big reasons people get divorced: financial issues and infidelity.
When it comes to money, it’s not just about not having enough. A common but often overlooked problem is financial incompatibility. A couple can have different values about spending versus saving, or can’t agree on how to finance big expenses like private school or college. One spouse might be a spendthrift, dropping huge amounts of money on luxuries, while the other one is constantly pinching pennies. Tensions can escalate quickly if the couple faces an unexpected financial crisis. Suddenly, there’s a lot less money around—and a lot more fighting.
Infidelity is the other common reason people end up in my office. They feel that they’ve “fallen out of love” with their spouse, and there’s often another person they decide they would rather be with. I find this especially true with couples who married at a young age. They may have met at 27, and now it’s 50 years later, and they aren’t the same people.
Given that almost 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, what can couples do to improve their odds of making it?
Rabinor: People need to be realistic about what marriage is. I think a lot of people suffer from romantic illusions. Their relationship starts with this strong, almost chemical combustion, and they think this is love. In fact, that heady feeling has a purpose: It propels people to get married and propagate the species. But over time, those intense feelings usually fade. When that happens, you must ask, “What is the glue that’s going to hold these two people together, especially when life gets tough, as it inevitably does?”
They don’t make romantic movies about what a real marriage looks like over time, with its ups and downs and banal, everyday chores and struggles of daily living. Who would want to watch a romantic movie about a baby crying for hours or the toilet getting backed up? And this is where I think it comes down to commitment. The reality is: It’s easy to feel attracted to someone and have an affair, but it’s hard to stay married.
Cohen: I think it’s important for people to live together before they get married, so they get to know their partner’s personal habits. A woman recently came to see me who did not live with her fiancé before they got married. Her husband had chosen not to work because he had family money. This seemed okay to her before they got married. But she works from home and grossly underestimated how difficult it was going to be having her spouse around for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He had no place to go and nothing to do, and it ended up causing them to get a divorce. You need to learn about someone’s idiosyncrasies and see if you are compatible before you commit.
What qualities are essential for a strong partnership?
Rabinor: Compassion, commitment, communication. And self-regulation! That is key. People who have long-lasting marriages tend to be more patient and accepting—they have the capacity to tolerate disappointment, distress, and pain without going over the deep end.
Cohen: I agree. It’s important to learn not to sweat the small stuff. Who cares if she left a light on? Or he picks a fancy restaurant every time you go out? Don’t get crazy. Some people feel a need to control things in life. But you’ve got to allow yourself to lose control of some things to make a marriage work. At the end of the day, we are who we are. We ain’t going to change.
How can you tell when a couple will have a healthy and/or positive relationship post-divorce?
Rabinor: In my book, I encourage people to contemplate this idea: Divorce ends a marriage, not a family. When the parents are mature, they can remain strongly committed to the best interest of the kids. In addition, both parents need to communicate well. That includes listening closely, learning to respond rather than react, and pausing to think before speaking. In a healthy post-divorce dynamic, both parents are eager to take the high road. They don’t carry resentments. They are willing to work on creating a new relationship with new family rituals that make the kids feel secure and safe.
I’ve also seen more than a handful of childless couples elect to befriend one another. Why? History is a significant glue. Often people form deep connections with their in-law families and the communities created during the marriage. If finances are not an ugly conflict, why not stay befriended?
Cohen: It can be tricky when kids are involved and there are serious issues, like drugs or alcohol, that might interfere with a 50-50 custody agreement. People tend to do better and be happier when both parties resolve financial issues in a way that both feel are fair.
On the flip side, are there certain issues or obstacles that couples in your practices just can’t get past?
Rabinor: I’ve seen this happen primarily for two reasons. The first is unjust financial settlements. These may be lodged in reality or in the emotional realm. For example, reality includes one spouse leaving the other high and dry. Emotional? I’ve seen couples bitterly fight over the photo albums or the contents of the liquor cabinet! Sometimes fighting about money or possessions has deep emotional roots in a desire to stay connected—which, however painful, is what fighting ultimately can achieve. The other is when an affair that has broken up the family becomes permanent. Many spouses are unwilling to be friends with a spouse who has cheated on them in front of their community of family and friends. It’s hard to forgive and forget when the past is right in front of your face all the time.
Cohen: How you deal with the kids makes a big difference in how happy people are post-divorce. Sharing custody can be very difficult. Maybe someone works late hours, or someone needs to travel. In a good divorce, both parties are willing to try to work it out and structure the custody schedule so it works well for both people.
What have you learned in your work that has helped your own marriage or relationship?
Rabinor: Kindness counts. Be a better listener. Let it go. Recognize that all people and all relationships are imperfect. In fact, a perfect relationship is imperfect. If I were to write another book about relationships, that would be the title.
Cohen: As I said, I don’t sweat the small stuff. I try to be considerate, unselfish. I do some things I maybe don’t want to do. That’s what I’ve learned, and I’ve been married now for some 23-odd years.