Goverment & Law
Moving forward is the operative philosophy of mediated or collaborative divorce, rather than mounting a ferocious, scorched-earth legal campaign.
The holidays may mean joyous family time for many, but if you are in an unhappy marriage, adjusting to a recent separation or in the midst of a messy, litigated divorce, this time of year can be rough.
A family lawyer has told Newsweek the biggest “theme” he is seeing in divorcing couples—and why he wants more people to know about it.
Dennis Vetrano of the Law Office of Dennis R. Vetrano, Jr., LLC in New York has been practicing family law for decades—from child neglect cases to child custody and divorce.
Working in varying parts of family law, Vetrano sees many couples at the end of their marriage, and he has noticed a common theme.
“Women are doing it all,” he told Newsweek. “She’s got a full-time job, she’s a CEO, plus she’s mom, she’s making six figures plus and still dealing with daycare and laundry and preparing meals.
“Then you have the husband, he’s working a get-by sort of job, and not really wanting for more. But despite this, those stereotypical domestic activities that women historically did, women are still left with those.”
“Those who divorce aren’t necessarily the most unhappy, just those neatly able to believe their misery is caused by one other person,” the Swiss-born British author and philosopher Alain de Botton wisely observed. The hard data certainly supports his theory. According to a study published by Couple and Family Psychology, the most often cited reasons for divorce—the je ne sais quoi of calling it quits, if you will—were lack of commitment (75.0 percent), infidelity (59.6 percent), too much conflict and arguing (57.7 percent), marrying too young (45.1 percent), financial problems (36.7 percent), substance abuse (34.6 percent), and domestic violence (23.5 percent). And though the divorce rate has slowly declined in recent years, particularly for millennials, roughly half of marriages still end in splitsville. The number bumps up to 60 percent for second marriages and a cold-feet-inducing 73 percent for those braving a
Lawyer Melissa Bourgeois of One Family Law, in Edmonton, on Sept. 12.JASON FRANSON/The Canadian Press
Edmonton lawyer Melissa Bourgeois had been practising family law for more than a decade when she had what she calls her “light bulb moment.”
After years of helping couples navigate amicable divorces – ones where spouses aren’t actively fighting, but simply choosing to go their separate ways – Ms. Bourgeois heard about a unique legal service being offered in Britain. There, low-conflict separating couples were being offered the opportunity to hire just one lawyer to act for both parties.
The concept at the time was untested in Canada, where conflict-of-interest rules have traditionally dictated that each divorcing spouse must retain their own lawyer, Ms. Bourgeois said.
But she suspected it could work here, too.
“It just seemed to me really brilliant,” she said. “I think what most couples today
Nicole Sodoma is a divorce attorney who has seen many couples at the end of their marriages.
Divorced and remarried herself, she suggests couples set resolutions together for the new year.
Her advice includes aligning financially and prioritizing communication and connection.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Nicole Sodoma, a 48-year-old divorce attorney and author in Charlotte, North Carolina. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I’ve been a family-law and divorce attorney for over 23 years. Hundreds of people have entered my office after their marriages have already fallen apart and they want to get out. While my job is to help my clients get divorced, and I’m divorced myself, it doesn’t mean that my view of love is tarnished.
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